Who are you performing for? 🎭
↩️UNFOLLOW University — June 2, 2023
Happy Friday!
“Doo you lub mena?"
Chloe's eyes hovered in the middle of her round face like pool floaties. Her question lingered as I tried to decode the 2-year-old dialect.
"What? What did you say?" I replied.
"Doo you... Love. Mee. Now?" she patiently pronounced and awaited a response. Do you love me now?
"Of course I do! I always love you," I cheered. My voice spiked two octaves.
Instantly, I connected the dots: My request that Chloe clean up her mess and her prompt completion of the task was her way of earning my acceptance. In her mind, being loved by me required being obedient to me. Chloe had just earned my love.
How did love become a wage? I quickly scooped up my inquisitive daughter while wondering what I had said or done for her to think my love was ever conditional.
As I awkwardly diffused this #DadFail, the sitcom of my mind produced endless episodes of fictional daddy/daughter trauma.
Do you love me now... that I got straight As?
Do you love me now... that I made the varsity team?
Do you love me now… that I'm successful and pretty?
Do you love me now… that I'm like you?
I realized I was ill-equipped to lead by example. Like Chloe, now a 3rd grader, I too had moments when my ability to perform determined my ability to be loved.
Year after year, my competency at work became my currency as a person. Achievement and acceptance were synonyms. So I took on more "sweat debt" - the never-ending obligation to meet unattainable expectations.
It worked. I have 20 years’ worth of awards and plaques tucked away in the top cabinet of my office.
It failed. I don’t have enough confidence in my work to display them and I don’t have enough confidence in my worth to ditch them. They aren’t trophies of what I do, but symbols of who I am.
My doing defined my being. I was addicted to earning acceptance through performance. What I did, and what people thought about what I did, anchored who I was.
I was a “perceptionist.”
🤯 Radical Truth
Contentment is the antidote for comparison.
A “perceptionist” chases the perception of perfection. We please and perform to be accepted by others while comparing ourselves to an imaginary standard that doesn’t exist.
To perceptionists, winning mutates from a healthy want to an unhealthy need. Achievement becomes a prerequisite for self-confidence and self-love.
"I win therefore I am," is our unspoken manifesto. The things we do and own are focused outward and satisfaction always seems to be one win away. We use success as a protest against our haters, a shield to ourselves and a weapon against the world.
Busyness is a self-inflicted boot camp of good opportunities done in excess. Our resumes are works of contemporary art.
We aren't winners. We're really, really sore losers.
I love researcher Brené Brown's take on perfectionism and people-pleasing. She asserts, "Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people pleasing, appearance, sports),"
"Somewhere along the way, we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect."
The problem? This duct-taped identity is high on volatility and low on value. It only works when things are working. When the eventual storm rolls in and things go wrong - like maybe a pandemic, recession, social reckoning or just a missed expectation - this house built on sand collapses.
Perceptionists are the arsonists of their own joy. But since this trap is predictable perhaps it's also avoidable.
Fellow perceptionists, keep hope alive. We don’t need a better hustle, just a happier one. I can do less of the things that feed my need to win and have more compassion for who I already am.
There's one word that perfectly captures this idea of being whole, held together and already enough. It's contentment.
The word originates from Latin and describes a debt that is now obsolete because the payment has been satisfied. Nothing more is necessary. No work. No hustle. No award. No performance.
Contentment is truth. You are worthy as-is. Things that deprive you of being content - and cause discontent - often point to an unexamined comparison or an unrealistic expectation.
Contentment is freedom. You are valuable whether or not you produce something of “value.” You can stop working for the worth that can’t be earned and start accepting the value you already have.
Contentment is wholeness. Contentment participates in the goodness of today without ignoring or worrying about the wants of tomorrow. It’s more than optimism, it’s trust.
Contentment is personal. Contentment differs from satisfaction. Contentment says "I need no more" while satisfaction says "I want no more." Contentment is within my control. Satisfaction is conditional.
Contentment is communal. Contentment doesn’t perform for acceptance because there is no audience. Not really. Everyone who cares about you is backstage with you or working alongside you. Those who rate you without knowing you will never accept you anyway.
Contentment is not complacency. Contentment and ambition are co-pilots, not opposites. Since my desires don't determine my value, I acknowledge my own worth first. Then I work hard to do better work, not be a better person.
The antidote to perceptionist thinking is not found in doing more but in becoming more of yourself. You are enough as-is.
So am I. I just need a reminder every now and then.
⚡️Courageous Question
Who are you performing for? When will you be content with your life?
🗣 Wonderful Words
“Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Healthy striving is self-focused (How can I improve)? Perfectionism is other-focused (What will they think)?”
🙏🏽 Prayer Package
God, I’m grateful for today but it’s hard to deny the desire for more in some areas of life. Let the work I do today be enough and open my eyes to the value all around me. My team, my family, my job, my dreams and even my wants - all reminders of how uniquely wonderful we are created to be. When my will tells me to perform and be better, remind me of your will so I can know better. Amen.
🎵 I Am Light - India.Arie 🔆
🛠 Practical Tool
Here's a quick collection of ideas and authors who have shaped my journey, organized by learning style. Click each name for the accompanying resource.
For the aspiring millionaire who thinks this is "too mushy": "Don't let fears of what others think of you stand in your way. You must be willing to do things in the unique ways you think are best - and to open-mindedly reflect on the feedback that comes inevitably as a result of being that way." Ray Dalio
For the inspiration junkie who loves a good story: "The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." Anna Quindlen (see below for video)
For the pragmatist that craves a workbook: "We don't talk about what keeps us eating until we're sick, busy beyond human scale, desperate to numb and take the edge off, and full of so much anxiety and self-doubt that we can't act on what we know is best for us. We don't talk about the hustle for worthiness that's become such a part of our lives that we don't even realize we're dancing." Brené Brown
For the bible reader who prefers a scripture-based stance: "We are already what we seek and where we long to arrive - specifically, in God. Once we realize this, the nature of the journey reveals itself to be more one of awakening than accomplishment, more one of spiritual awareness than spiritual achievement." David G. Benner
For the radical change-maker seeking real stories and honest people: "You don't have a problem, you have a life. Being human is not hard because you're doing it wrong, it's hard because you're doing it right. You must change your idea that it was ever supposed to be easy." Glennon Doyle.
Anna Quindlen is an author, journalist, and columnist. She originally delivered this speech as the commencement address to the class of 1999 at Mount Holyoke College. I discovered it via James Clear.
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Every Friday I’ll send you 5 courageous ideas to help you redesign your work life by making better career decisions:
🤯 Radical Truth - A story from me
⚡️ Courageous Question - A challenge for you
🗣 Wonderful Words - A quote worth remembering
🙏🏽 Prayer Package - A moment of meditation
🛠 Practical Tool - An actionable resource
