Why you’re avoiding confrontation 🛑
↩️UNFOLLOW University — September 1, 2023
Happy Friday!
I was dreading this conversation.
In 2 hours I had a call with the Chief Communications Officer about the possibility of reorganizing a key part of my team. I was battle-ready when I walked into the office, shut the door and prepared for verbal combat.
As I rehearsed my arguments, I could hear Survivor’s “Eye of The Tiger” on repeat. I was the clear underdog in an invisible fight. I wanted to do things differently - my way - but the corporate structure was proving highly resistant to change.
Honestly, it wasn’t a big deal for the business but it was a major decision for my ego. No stranger to confrontations, I specialized in frontal attacks and had little patience for diplomacy or compromise.
But my natural fighting style was wearing thin in this compliant corporate culture. Was winning a debate over one role worth sacrificing the credibility I needed in the future?
I had a lot to learn.
How to deal with disagreements in a way that builds trust instead of breaking it.
How to value healthy conflict as the hallmark of emotionally intelligent leadership.
How to protect critical feedback as a precious resource instead of an inconvenient commodity.
How to confront differences of opinion directly without pissing off the people you depend on.
I didn’t need to get better at managing conflict. I needed a new way to think about conflict altogether.
I needed a newer weapon so I brought a 90-year-old book to the office with me. I flipped right to the chapter entitled, “How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking.”
“Perfect,” I thought until I read the headline: You can’t win an argument.
Crap.
🤯 Radical Truth
Strong leaders trust people enough to disagree with their ideas while protecting the relationship.
The book, How To Win Friends & Influence People, was written in 1936 by Dale Carnegie. He warned leaders like me of empty victories - ones where you win the argument but lose goodwill with people. Among well-meaning, committed co-workers, one is rarely worth the other.
The word “conflict” means to strike two things together in struggle.
“Confrontation” means to put the problem in front of you, to come face-to-face with it.
When we avoid conflict we fail to bring the best ideas together. When we avoid confrontation we fail to face reality. The best solutions often live beyond the comfort of our self-importance and the only way to harvest them is healthy conflict.
Constructive conflict is the process of bringing different ideas together to uncover the best one. Strong leaders are so comfortable with healthy conflict they promote, protect and model it every day.
What would a strong leader do in my situation? If I unleashed my arsenal of verbal missiles she could easily have responded defensively, or worse, launched her own counterattack.
I needed to acknowledge 2 things:
My fear of losing power to corporate compliance
My desire to protect power by owning organizational decisions
By asking questions, hearing her perspective and sharing my hesitations, a healthy confrontation became a constructive conversation. We became 2 coworkers seeking solutions, not 2 opponents defending turf.
We both agreed to keep the team structure as-is while we continued to assess how to make the overall organization better. No boxing gloves or nuclear missiles were required.
Was it courageous?
⚡️Courageous Question
What problem is not being solved because of my reluctance to face it?
🗣 Wonderful Words
“Conflict is not a bad thing. The fear of conflict is almost always a sign of problems. When there is trust, conflict becomes nothing but the pursuit of truth, an attempt to find the best possible answer. Conflict without trust is politics.”
🙏🏽 Prayer Package
God, remind me of the strength you’ve already provided. When work pressures and tensions seem overwhelming, may I look to the source for answers and not myself. Everything I have is yours, including my job. I will rest in the knowledge of your power and bring that light to everyone I interact with this week. Amen.
🎵 Conqueror - Oasis Church Music 🌊
🛠 Practical Tool
How do you respond to fear at work? Take this 2-minute online assessment to find out: The Courage Compass.
What is your natural approach to conflict?
Conformity - Denial becomes action. Acceptance requires agreement with behaviors you don’t believe in.
Complacency - Denial becomes avoidance. A lack of awareness becomes a lack of action due to over-confidence.
Cowardice - Truth becomes avoidance. The fear of facing a difficult challenge prevents solving it.
Courage - Truth becomes action. Acting on beliefs despite risk, fear and doubt.
Take the quiz and reply with your results. I won’t tell. 😬
Read 7 Signs of Weak Leadership and 7 Skills Your Boss Won’t Teach You to catch up on the last few weeks of UNFOLLOW University.
Remember…
It’s hard work because it’s heart work. 💪🏽🖤
Knowing how to lead effectively is not the same as being an effective leader.
Fear is not a force to avoid but a feeling to manage.
Seriously, take the Courage Quiz already.
If you’re new to UNFOLLOW University you can learn more about me here or check out my previous posts.
See you next UNFOLLOW Friday!
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Every Friday I’ll send you 5 courageous ideas to help you redesign your work life by making better career decisions:
🤯 Radical Truth - A story from me
⚡️ Courageous Question - A challenge for you
🗣 Wonderful Words - A quote worth remembering
🙏🏽 Prayer Package - A moment of meditation
🛠 Practical Tool - An actionable resource
